


kocaine karolina

by orphan_account



Category: Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, POV Nico, Romance, sort of? i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 12:00:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13481052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: (Karolina’s got Nico’s heart in her fist, and she doesn’t know she’s squeezing it so damn tight it might burst every time she takes one of those godforsaken pills).





	kocaine karolina

i.

 

Being on the run isn’t easy. Nico should’ve always known, really, that they’d end up finding different methods to cope. She supposes that the way she dresses is her own method, ever since her sister died.

( _Murdered. Amy was murdered,_ Nico reminds herself. _Don’t sugar-coat it_ ).

Her black clothes and makeup aren’t just a fashion style. They’re a reminder of her constant mourning, an eternal outward sign that _no, she’s not the same now that Amy’s gone, and she never will be_. She always suspected, in a deep, dark part of her heart, that something was off about Amy’s death. And now she knows the truth.

(The truth is the reason why they’re running and all falling apart at the seams).

Gert and Chase turned to each other, using their bodies as a way of shutting out the painful reality of their situation. Nico thinks that their way of coping is mostly harmless. The only downside is that at every service station they insist on buying a _ridiculous_ amount of condoms, and _man_ , that shit is _expensive_. But whatever. It’s better than ending up with a baby, she supposes.

Molly takes to honing her super-strength. She rips up the roots of trees and lifts dustbins full of rubbish like they weigh as little as feathers. It’s as impressive as it is mildly frightening. Nico’s just glad Molly’s on their side, and not on the side of the enemy.

( _Our parents’ side. They’re our enemy_ ).

Alex starts drinking. Not a lot, since he’s in charge of driving most days, but he’ll buy a bottle of liquor here and there when they can afford it. He retreats to the bathroom or motel bedroom or whatever place is available where he can be alone. None of them really know how to approach the topic, so it’s just sort of this festering monster that nobody wants to address. In the mornings when they see his bloodshot eyes and smell his whiskey scented breath, everyone ducks their eyes and pretends they’re blind to what is happening. However, Alex is by far from the worst of the group’s problems.

Karolina.

(Doesn’t everything always come back to her, in the end?).

It started off with nothing big. Just a couple of painkillers to ease her headaches, and then a couple more to help her sleep. Nico didn’t think anything of it. Why would she?

Then one night – after Karolina and Chase came back from a supermarket in a town Nico’s forgotten the name of – Karolina produced a bag of weed from her jacket pocket.

‘There was a guy selling round the back,’ Karolina explains to her. Chase helps her roll it up, shows her the correct way to smoke it and everything. In hindsight, Nico should’ve stopped it all right there, and not a second later. But she didn’t. She watched the entire group – bar herself and Molly – smoke the entire bag, watched as all of their eyes glazed over and senseless laughter fell from their loose lips. Karolina – even then – seemed to enjoy it the most. A carefree, serene expression overtook her features as she leant back against the van, the dusk air making everything seem even hazier.

Nico doesn’t know where Karolina started getting the harder stuff. She’s not sure she wants to know. She disappears for hours at a time, coming back with all sorts of weird powders and pills. Once – just once – Nico tried to talk to her about it.

‘I’m fine, Nico,’ Karolina had said. Her eyes were darkened and bloodshot, her attention clearly elsewhere. ‘Don’t worry about it’.

She doesn’t get _why_ Karolina doesn’t seem to understand that she can’t do anything _but_ worry. Whilst Karolina’s busy getting herself high, Nico’s only sat longing for days long gone, when Karolina would treat her to sweet eyes and touches. At some point, Karolina traded her in for cheap, synthetic thrills, and yet Nico still finds her heart aching for her.

(Karolina’s got Nico’s heart in her fist, and she doesn’t know she’s squeezing it so damn tight it might burst every time she takes one of those godforsaken pills).

 

ii.

 

Alex joins her outside their latest place of residence – a decrepit motel – on the steps. She sits fiddling with her lip ring, staring out at the empty carpark. This place is pretty run-down, and she can see why it was so easy to get a room. It’s probably never been completely booked up in its whole existence.

‘What’re you doing up so early?’ Alex asks. He shifts beside her, squinting in the morning light. ‘It’s barely seven o’clock’.

This motel houses ten rooms, all in one long, horizontal line. Clearly the architects that designed it weren’t very creative, or maybe they were just cheap fucks. Nico supposes it doesn’t really matter – it’s just a convenient little place for travellers to stop on their journey. Or – in their case – another place to hide whilst they continue to bounce from town to town, evading the wrath of the police. Sometimes she still can’t believe that they’re wanted for _murder_ , one that their _parents_ committed and decided to _blame_ on _them_.

(It’s a joke. Her life has turned into a horror show).

Nico toes at some gravel, considering what to tell him. _Oh well, you know, I didn’t get much sleep last night because Karolina kept vomiting up whatever shit she took._ Instead, she just shrugs and says, ‘Just woke up and decided to come sit out here’.

It’s not too bad out here this morning. It’s early enough for the light to be in that weird in-between stage, a peaceful yellow tint staining everything it reaches. It makes the few sparse trees around the edge of the carpark look a strange sort of beautiful. 

She and Alex still aren’t the best of friends. She’s still a little mad at him about the whole Amy thing, but with each passing day she can feel her anger beginning to diminish. Time, Nico knows, is the most important healer, and the one medicine that cannot be bought. Nobody – absolutely nobody – can speed up or increase the time they have.

(That’s why it’s also the universe’s biggest flaw).

‘We can stay here for today, but we’ve gotta be gone by tomorrow morning,’ Alex tells her. He draws the hoodie he’s wearing closer to himself, a tic he does whenever he’s nervous. Right. He still doesn’t know how to act around her. _Fantastic_.

Nico eventually just shrugs in response. ‘Alright’.

‘Okay, cool,’ Alex replies. He quickly stands, no longer remotely comfortable in her presence. ‘I’ll leave you to your thoughts’. And then he’s gone.

(She wishes she had the energy to worry about Alex, but she doesn’t).

Nico wonders what the tipping point was. What exactly drove Karolina over the edge? What made her not want to be _present_ anymore?

(Is it too self-absorbed to wonder if part of the problem is Nico herself?).

A guy stumbles out of a room at the very end. He’s barefoot, wearing a stained polo shirt and boxers, clearly hungover as he reaches the railing and vomits over the edge. What a disgusting mixture of colours that spills from his lips. He must’ve eaten or taken or drank – maybe all three – all kinds of shit.

She wonders if that’s the sight she’ll have to see from Karolina one day. Will she be just like that guy, alone and strung out, miserable and gaunt? She hopes not.

Drugs seem to be the only thing on Karolina’s mind anymore, but that doesn’t mean that Nico’s stopped caring about her. She wishes she could stop, but she can’t.

(Karolina’s addicted to pills and Nico’s addicted to Karolina).

 

iii.

 

A couple of days later and this time they’re camping. Karolina looks at the green leaves and breathes in the fresh air and promises that she’s done, she’s really done this time, she’s not going to take anything else.

Nico’s heard it all before, one too many times. This is what she does. Karolina will _insist_ and _insist_ that she’s going to change, and for a few days she will. She’ll smile and laugh and it’ll almost be like the old her – the _real_ her – is back. Then she’ll have a nightmare, and need something _to calm her nerves,_ or roll up a blunt _just for fun, Nico, loads of people engage in its recreational use_ , and she’ll slip right back into old habits.

Karolina takes her into the forest, a little away from the others, just as the sky begins to fade into darkness. She pushes her up against a tree and starts tugging at the buttons on Nico’s jeans.

‘No,’ Nico says, stopping Karolina’s hand. ‘This always happens. In a couple of days, you’ll just go right back’.

Karolina can still make her eyes sparkle when she wants to. ‘It’s different this time,’ She says, and Nico doesn’t believe her, and Karolina clearly doesn’t believe herself, but they both know Nico’s going to give in.

‘Okay,’ Nico sighs.

‘Okay,’ Karolina echoes, and then they’re kissing. At least this part hasn’t changed. _This_ is always the same.

Karolina’s visibly lost weight. Her body is frailer, her skin more translucent; her ribs are beginning to strain against her flesh. Those stupid, stupid fucking drugs, tearing the girl Nico loves to pieces before her very eyes.

(But Nico’s still just another lonely girl who’s helplessly in love, so she touches her and kisses her where she knows Karolina likes it, and after they’re done she knows she should regret it, but she doesn’t).

 

iv.

 

A different night, a different place, and Karolina’s got a bottle of wine in her hands instead of some pills. This time, Nico shares it with her, passing the cheap alcohol between them like it tastes good and not like vinegar.

‘I’m sorry,’ Karolina chokes out, suddenly beginning to cry. Her hands tremble in her lap and her cracked lips tremble as her mouth forms the words to speak. ‘I want to stop. I promise. I care about you, Nico’.

They’re on the roof of an old barn, far out in the countryside. The building is falling to pieces and smells faintly of old cow shit, but Karolina pulled her away with those enticing blue eyes of hers and together they found a safe enough way to scale up the walls. Evening is well under way, the sky glowing a deep, burnt orange. It’s warm. Just the right temperature.

Nico forces down another mouthful. She taps her fingers against the bottle, the sensation of her skin hitting the warm glass feeling like the only thing that’s grounding her. ‘Just tell me why,’ Nico finds herself asking. Her voice is hoarse and scratchy, and _fuck_ , the wine’s making her emotional. ‘Why wasn’t I enough, Kar? Why not talk to me?’

Karolina’s entire body seems to shudder and shake, billions of thoughts and feelings flittering through those blue eyes like a flight of broken birds. She rubs her palms against her bare legs, the thin blonde hair covering them prickling at the static movement. ‘It was easy,’ Karolina chokes out. ‘But now it’s not. Now it’s like – like I can’t stop’.

If they weren’t on the run, if their parents weren’t murderers, and if every police officer didn’t have their names on the Most Wanted list, then this’d be easier. Nico would take Karolina to a group support session for sobriety. She’d get to meet other people like her – other people struggling with addiction with haunted pasts, just like her – and there’d be a ceremonious destruction of every pill and every gram of the poison running through her veins. Flush it, burn it, toss it – doesn’t matter. Karolina would get the help she needs and she’d get clean, and then she’d hold hands with Nico and look at her like she used to.

But all of that’s just a maybe, just a _this is what we’d do in a different world_. In this world, they’ve only got each other. In this world, Nico has to find a way to be enough.

‘I wanna help you, Kar’. Nico spins the bottle in her hands, watches the little liquid left slosh around and wonders if the heat in her blood is the alcohol or the setting sun. ‘Tell me how’.

Karolina gazes out at the horizon, her breaths coming quick and unsteady. Her fingers twitch and the muscles in her face spasm at random. ‘I don’t know,’ comes the broken whisper. ‘I don’t…I don’t know’.

(Isn’t asking for help the first step towards recovery?).

Below, the others are gathered around a little fire they built. They’re heating up a pan of baked beans and are passing around a packet of bread rolls. Soon enough, they’ll re-join the others, and join their half-assed attempts at pretending to be okay.

‘We’ll figure it out, Kar,’ Nico says. She doesn’t bother finishing off the wine, instead choosing to discard the bottle behind them. It lands with a soft thud atop the rotting wood. ‘We will’.

(She’s going to take those pills and throw each and every one of them in that damn fire, and relish every second).

 

v.

 

Nico never really understood the expression cold turkey before now. Karolina’s entire body seems to hum, every inch of skin covered in a slick, cold sweat. They have to keep pulling over to let her vomit into the bushes. Eventually, Gert – poorly disguised as a guy with Chase’s clothing – dashes inside a dollar store and buys a cheap, bright yellow bucket. Karolina clings to it, groaning like her life depends on it.

‘You’re doing well, Kar,’ Gert encourages. Nico thinks she’s doing a good job of concealing her disgust at the putrid smell radiating from the bucket. ‘You’re being really brave. We’re all really proud of you’.

Karolina doesn’t seem to think she’s acting very brave. Her eyes narrow and a deep moan pulls from her throat. ‘I can’t do this,’ She gasps. ‘I need – I need to have –’

‘No,’ Nico cuts her off. She’s not going to let her relapse – not this time. Not when this is the longest time she’s managed to stay off them. ‘You don’t need them. You’ll be fine’.

Another stream of vomit hurls from the depths of Karolina’s stomach into the bucket. Nico clenches her jaw and forces herself to watch. This is the price, the price that has to be paid for her to get better. With every minute that Karolina resists, it’s another battle won.

‘Nico,’ Karolina manages in amongst her vomiting. Her hair is greasy and clinging to her scalp, her skin pale and ghostly. She looks almost half-dead and yet Nico’s heart reacts to the sound of her voice in the same way it’s always done. ‘Nico,’ Karolina says again. One hand removes its death grip from the bucket and edges along the seat towards her.

There isn’t a single moment of hesitation from Nico. She takes Karolina’s shaky hand in her own, the tremors passing into her flesh and reminding her that _this is for them, Karolina wants to get better for them._

‘We’ll do this. We’ll do it together,’ Nico reassures her. She squeezes her hand, Karolina’s pulse rapidly thrumming against her own steady one.

(The poison is doing its best to twist Karolina’s mind into being weak, but Nico won’t let her. Nico will be strong enough for the both of them).

 

vi.

 

Karolina stands guiltily, tears spilling out of her eyes.

‘Nico, I swear, I didn’t take any,’ She cries. She holds out her palm and shows the packet containing two small pills. ‘I was – I was weak, for a second. I saw a guy who was dealing but I didn’t – I didn’t _take_ any. I remembered what you said. That we could do this together’. Her eyes are clouded with tears, hiccups ricocheting from her throat. ‘Nico, please, _say_ something. _Anything_ ’.

Nico knew she shouldn’t have let Karolina leave the van on her own. She only went to a public toilet, but those places are crawling with dealers and users. _Stupid, stupid_ , Nico berates herself. _She only needs to slip up once, and those demons will drag her back down._

Karolina’s hands shake; the packet drops to the floor. The sound is oddly loud in the room, the wooden floorboards echoing the impact. They’re at an empty holiday home on the beach. It’s a wonderful place, actually – big, arching windows with a view to the ocean, and pristine white furniture. It’s too bad they can only stay a couple of days. They have no idea who actually owns the place and when they’re due to be back. It’s probably best _not_ to get caught squatting.

‘You didn’t take any?’ Nico asks. It’s not like she doesn’t believe her, but she has to be sure. Karolina rapidly nods, her lungs expanding and contracting at a pace that seems largely uncomfortable.

‘I swear it,’ She says. ‘I meant it. I want to change. I want to be better. I want _you_ ’.

(Their story isn’t one you could write a romance novel about. Karolina’s clammy skin and wild eyes, paired with Nico’s helplessness and misery, doesn’t exactly scream “best seller”).

Nico takes the packet and empties the pills into the toilet. She pulls the flush, watches as the water swirls and drags them away, out of sight. Karolina watches from over her shoulder, her breathing a little steadier, a little calmer now that they’re gone.

‘I want you too,’ Nico whispers. What a shitty place – literally – to confess such feelings.

(Still, Nico knows she’d rather have their story over anything Nicholas Sparks could ever produce).

 

vii.

 

Nico sits on the beach and watches Karolina wade through the water. She’s wearing nothing except her bra and underwear, her bones sharp and pronounced under her skin. Still too thin – the weight hasn’t started coming back on her yet. But as a whole, she’s starting to look better. The shadows under her eyes are a little lighter and her skin is getting pinker as opposed to ghostly white.

Molly sits beside her with a pile of stones, picking up one after the other and crushing them into dust like some sort of ritual. The different shades of black and grey slide through her fingers, mixing in with the sand underneath them.

‘You love her,’ Molly states rather than asks. She picks up another stone, passes it between her hands, Nico’s eyes drawn to the specks of brown on the rough surface. Then it’s engulfed by Molly’s palm, one that looks so small and innocent, but has the power to crush the object into mere grains, which she does. ‘And she loves you. She’s trying to stop taking all of that stuff because of you’.

Karolina drops to her knees in the water and throws her head back, allowing the gentle waves to wash over her skin. Nico thinks she must be cold, but Karolina had said that cold was good for her, sometimes. It distracted her from the cravings. ‘Cos the pills made me feel warm, Nico,’ Karolina had said. ‘I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be cold’.

Nico still doesn’t know for sure _why_ Karolina started, but she’s starting to piece it together. Karolina, who never rebelled, whose entire existence revolved around a church that turned out to be a front for murder, who discovered drugs could give her a quick fix of happiness. Everyone’s susceptible, Nico knows.

( _You only need to want to feel nothing once. And then it gets you. And then you’re trapped_ ).

‘Yeah,’ Nico eventually replies, even though she suspects Molly never expected an answer. ‘I do’.

Molly picks up the last stone in the pile and takes her time to crush it, her fingers leaving indentations in the surface as she slowly but surely clenches her fist. She squeezes and squeezes until a fine dust slips from between her fingers. ‘Next we get Alex to stop drinking,’ Molly says in a contemplative tone. She brings her knees up to her chest and rests her chin atop, joining Nico’s gaze, staring out at Karolina kneeling in the water. ‘Not that it’s a big problem, but we can try’.

‘Every problem starts out small, Mol,’ Nico tells her. She draws a heart in the sand, on her right-hand side where Molly can’t see. She traces a letter ‘K’ inside and stares down at it, the initial meaning so much more to her than it would to anybody else. ‘I’ve learnt it’s important to pay attention to small problems. They grow’.

(Karolina sort of looks like a mermaid, wet blonde hair flying loose and arms outstretched in a welcoming embrace towards the ocean).

 

viii.

 

They’re at a cheap burger joint, Nico squashed in between Karolina and Molly, with Alex, Gert and Chase opposite. They’re all wearing hats or sunglasses or something equally as absurd to obscure their faces and bodies. The last thing they need is to get recognised by a civilian whilst trying to eat their dinner.

Karolina takes a huge bite of her burger, her appetite returning to her with a vengeance. Grease and ketchup slips from her lips but Nico thinks it’s one of the most wonderful sights she’s ever seen, the veins on her hands becoming less prominent and the hollowness of her face beginning to vanish.

‘I appreciate the gum you guys bought me to “satisfy” my drinking cravings,’ Alex says, wolfing down his fries with the same enthusiasm he’s always retained, ‘but you guys _do_ know that chewing gum is geared more towards quitting smoking, right?’

Gert steals Chase’s side salad, her boyfriend stealing some of her fries in retaliation. ‘You’re lucky we got you anything,’ She snorts. ‘We could’ve just made you go totally cold turkey, like we did with Kar’.

Nico drops a hand under the table and rests it on Karolina’s thigh, wary that she might feel uncomfortable at the topic. Karolina pauses her feast, shooting Nico a reassuring smile.

(Ghosts are still haunting blue but they’re fading, day by day).

Karolina smiles just at Nico for a moment longer. ‘I’m just glad the constant vomiting is over,’ She says to the entire group.

‘Us too,’ Chase laughs. He playfully swats Gert’s hand away as she attempts to take some of his onion rings.

‘Never again,’ Molly vows, ‘am I throwing a bucket full of your sick onto the side of the road. It was too gross, even for me,’ She finishes with a dramatic shudder.

‘Why didn’t we make Nico do that?’ Gert wonders out loud. ‘She is Kar’s girlfriend’.

Nico’s eyes dart to Alex and is relieved to see that he doesn’t seem perturbed at the casual mention of her and Karolina’s relationship. _At least that awkwardness is finally gone_.

Gert probably meant her question rhetorically, but Karolina ends up responding, and it’s not the answer that Nico was expecting. ‘I was stupid,’ Karolina says. She tears off a piece of her burger bun and swipes it through some ketchup.  ‘I wasn’t appreciating what I had. I don’t think I deserved Nico to wait on me like that’.

A sudden emotional silence takes place, nobody quite sure how to follow Karolina’s words. Nico feels her throat seizing up with sudden feeling, the strangest kind of butterflies erupting in her stomach. It’s weird, Nico supposes, that an _I treated you like shit and I’m sorry, but I appreciate you now_ , feels so much more valuable than an _I love you_ ever could.

(She suspects that they mean pretty much the same thing, anyway).

‘Wish Gert had the same respect for me,’ Chase finally jokes, breaking the tense atmosphere. Easy smiles and laughter breaks out around the table, and this, _this_ is what Nico’s missed. She knows that this is how they will be strongest – together, talking, staying in tune with each other’s thoughts and feelings.

All they have is each other. The biggest hurdle they could possibly face is disconnection from each other. Nico’s going to ensure – from here on out – that it doesn’t happen again. They’re each other’s family now, and family is there for one another.

(Through addiction and all).

 

ix.

 

‘I thought I would miss it more,’ Karolina whispers one night in bed. Nico’s just about to turn out the bedside light but pauses, turning to the blonde with a curious expression. ‘The highs,’ Karolina clarifies. She turns to face her, strands of blonde falling in front of her eyes. ‘But I don’t’.

This bed is pretty uncomfortable. The mattress is lumpy and the duvet has a weird sort of smell to it, like it hasn’t been washed in a while. But these are the standards that must be tolerated when they’re evading the wrath of the law, Nico knows.

Nico searches out Karolina’s hand under the covers and entwines their fingers. She looks a lot healthier now, with more meat on her bones and an awareness in her eyes. ‘No?’ Nico asks. She gives her hand a light squeeze and tells her in a softer tone, ‘It’s okay if you do’.

‘I honestly don’t,’ Karolina admits. She shifts and inches close to Nico, burrowing herself deeper into her side. Nico lifts an arm around her shoulder and pulls her close. _Fuck those guys for laughing when they found out I’m the bigger spoon_ , Nico finds herself thinking. ‘I didn’t even like it, towards the end. But it was just like – like my brain craved it. I hated myself after I took it, but I also felt relieved. Does that make sense?’ Karolina murmurs into her neck.

‘Yeah,’ Nico breathes. She slips her hand up the back of Karolina’s shirt and traces her fingers down her spine, enjoying the goosebumps she elicits. ‘It makes sense’. She squeezes her tighter and presses a kiss to the top of Karolina’s head, her hair shinier and thicker now the poison is no longer running through her veins. ‘I’m glad you’re off it’.

Nico turns off the bedside lamp, plunging the room into darkness. Karolina sits up a little, her eyes shimmering in the little light seeping through the curtains. ‘Me too,’ She whispers. ‘I – I just –’ She squeezes her eyes shut, seemingly unable to find the correct words, ‘– thanks for not giving up on me,’ She eventually gets out. ‘I don’t know…I don’t know what I would’ve done. I don’t know what would’ve happened to me’.

(Nico remembers that guy at the motel, messed up and alone, vomiting over the railing).

‘Don’t think about it,’ Nico tells her. She runs her nails against the nape of Karolina’s neck, just the way she knows she likes it. The sensation helps her drift off to sleep. ‘There’s no reality in which I would’ve gave up’.

(Their hearts are beating in time, their breaths evenly matched. Karolina doesn’t know what she would’ve done without Nico but Nico doesn’t know what she would’ve done without Karolina).

 

x.

 

(It’s a good thing neither of them will ever have to find out).

 

xi.

 

fin.


End file.
